A change is gonna come

A change is gonna come. Actually, a change has gotta come.
My Love and I decided that yes. For sure. We are on the road to IVF. I wrote this a couple weeks ago about being unsure. But we are sure. We know what we will do before, during and after IVF. That feels good.

We realize this road is not going to be an easy one, but until we reach our destination, I have a feeling I will be learning a few much needed lessons along the way. I already feel the changes happening. In my heart. In my mind.

It's not a secret that IVF is a whole lotta money. Also, not a secret, we don't have it (don't know many people who do).

But what's amazing is we are surrounded by people who want to help. And help sooooooo much. My beautiful friend has been hosting IVF fundraising garage sales . Well, garage sale #2 will be this weekend. How'd it happen so quickly? With a well written email sent from my sisters and friend (I love you ladies!), we have managed to receive donations of stuff. Good stuff. New stuff. Toys, furniture, household items...you get the picture.
And the donations keep pouring in...so much so we will be having garage sale #3 at one of my sister's houses next weekend. Donations from family, friends, friends of friends, their co workers, complete strangers, neighbours and even the bank teller who asked what all the coins were for.

I'm overwhelmed by the kindness. support. love. by people.

I have always thought that some people are kind. But most people not so much.
However, now I see that it's quite the opposite.

Perhaps I only acknowledge the rude people because I am in awe at how they could be that way.
But that doesn't make sense. That's wasted energy. Pay no mind to them.

Acknowledge kindness. Be aware of the positive people.

There we have it. Lesson #1.

Denial.

Infertility makes people uncomfortable. Mostly the people we love. I understand this.

I get that sometimes you don't know what to say. That's OK. You don't have to say much.

Really.

Just listen while I cry nonsense. Just hug me while I crumble.

*****

I started a second job just over a month ago. Part time, as I am able to work it around my first job and yesterday was a tough day. I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant women. Only pregnant women. I heard some stories about ankles being swollen. About all the excitement of having your first child. About plans on timing baby number 2. And as each minute passed I felt myself fading. I knew what would be coming next. I just needed to keep it together for a couple more hours. In order to maintain composure, I tried making random conversations. But while my eyes started to welt up talking about how hot the weather has been, I pretended I was just that much more focused on work. I'm sure it appeared strange, but whatever. I'm pretty sure I also ignored one very pregnant lady asking me a question.

And while I was so focused on the task at hand, my throat started to hurt. You know, when your heart says it can't take it anymore and begins the move to your eyes via the throat. I didn't allow it to get to that point though, which is very impressive for me. How I managed that I am not sure. I did feel a bit shaky, my heart was pounding and my stomach was hurting pretty bad.

But once I left, once I shut the door to the building it was another story. I broke. Raw emotion took over. I wasn't surprised it was that bad because since Monday's appointment I've been a bit numb.

The only thing that went though my mind all evening and all night while I lay in my bed awake was, 'Is this for real? Is all this really happening? Is it possible that we may never have a baby?'

It has been 3 years of trying. So, I know it sounds a bit odd that I may be questioning it now...but it just felt different. It felt like something hit me with a ton of bricks.

Have I been in denial this whole time?

Or was it that someone suggested I should accept that it's just the way it is.

Or maybe it's both.

Decisions.Decisions.

$15000.

That's what our RE says to have for a single IVF cycle. We may or may not need the full amount but be prepared for it.

Age 36-40.

That's when the success rate of carrying a full term IVF baby declines.

Laproscopic surgery #2.

That's what I will be doing sometime this year as my endometriosis has returned. With what seems like a vengeance.

Difficult and timely decisions.

That's what My Love and I are faced with. Challenged with. Confused about.

A lot to take in all at once. Needless to say the drive home from the appointment yesterday wasn't a dull one. What do we do? You would think it was a no brainer right? Maybe. But the decision isn't as easy as one would think. Well, it's not for us anyway. It isn't as simple as we thought it would be.
There are a couple other factors that we need to take into consideration.

We played devil's advocate for the rest of the evening. Becoming more and more confused. Breaking a bit with each passing scenario. Feeling even more anxiety with every beat of my heart.

Time is of the essence.

Whatever My Love and I decide on, we know this will be the biggest defining moment of our lives.

    "It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."

-Tony Robbins

 

I accept

My nerve conduction test hurt.
But not as bad as my head made me think it would. Surprise. Surprise. Results to follow in a couple weeks.

Moving on.

I read this, this morning written by a fabulous woman named Keiko Zoll. Her blog asks 'Do you accept your infertility'?

So do I?

Um. I'm not sure what I would be accepting.
Am I accepting that I am infertile? Am I accepting that I may never have a biological baby?

No.

I accept I am infertile...FOR NOW.

I accept that I have no control over my infertility or my endometriosis that may be causing infertility.

I accept that infertility has made me angry, bitter and resentful. More than I thought I could ever be.

I accept that infertility has made me hurt in a way I have never thought my heart could take (and I've had quite a few painful experiences).

I accept that infertility is lonely.

I accept that infertility is cruel.

I accept that infertility has brought My Love and I closer in the most precious way ever.

I accept that infertility has shown me love I never would've seen before or felt before or accepted before.

I accept that infertility is teaching me patience.

I accept that infertility is making me stronger.

I accept that infertility is teaching me not to quit.

I accept that amongst all the dark and scary...there is beauty and light.

Will it hurt?

About a month ago, I wrote about some funny business and yesterday was the first part of the nerve assessment test. It was really more of an in depth consultation. I was asked a million questions and then hit with a medical mallet of some sort on what must have been every part of my body. The whole time the doctor told me to pretend I'm not here....Really? OK. Let me just look out the window while you beat me.

A little dramatic? I know. But I'm secretly freaking out while trying to appear calm. Since we don't know what it is yet, I'll try not to get carried away. I mean c'mon, I've been dealing with infertility and endometriosis for what seems like forever, so this should be a walk in the park. Right?

I hope.

Anyway, part 2 will take place on Monday. I will be having an EMG- electromyography test. The secretary gave me an information sheet which read:

      "EMG is a diagnostic test carried out on nerves and muscles. Electrodes are attached to the arm or leg and an electrical pulse is delivered to the nerve. The speed of the nerve function is then measured. Other electrodes will record the activity of the muscle and the technologist is then able to listen to certain sounds in the muscle. Small pin pricks will be felt with this part of the procedure. The electrical pulses and pin pricks are minimal. There is no special preparation for this test and no after effects"

And after reading it myself, my natural instinct was to ask, "Will it hurt? and how long is this test?"

The answer, "Well, it's just going to be a little uncomfortable and be prepared to be here for an hour."

Wow. Ok. I've heard the 'a little uncomfortable' speech before and I know what it means.
It means yes it will hurt... of course it will hurt...absolutely will hurt the whole hour.

     The Nervous System